Mindlessly

For the past few hours, I've been basking in the glory of nothingness. Mindlessly watching episodes of Criminal Minds that I've seen a hundred times before. Mindlessly playing Solitaire and Tetris on my iPhone.

Nothingness. It's hard to describe the lack of something. How do you know it's there if nothing is there? I don't know. All I can tell you is that nothingness is pure bliss tonight. Usually I would tell you (especially in the blog post 'nothingness'...) that nothingness is an awful state of mind. I would tell you to get out of it, see colors, think about the pain, feel something...'cause feeling something, even if it's terrible, keeps you alive. The desire to change your circumstances keeps you alive. It motivates you to take your next breath.

But I don't want that. I don't want a next breath tonight. I want nothingness. I want to sleep without dreaming. I want to be without being. I want to mindlessly wander on until it gets better.

And it sucks that everything will stay the same if I continue this state of nothingness. No outside force, no friend or foe, not even God can force me (you know, the whole free will thing) out of this and into a life worth living. To live is to fight for life. Why the hell would I fight for something I don't want?