She Said Beautiful

Recently, I was a contestant at an art battle for an event at my university. The event was to raise funds for an organization that raises awareness and provides resources to sexual assault/rape victims. I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. The painting is my story. I won the art battle, and this poem is my response.

She said beautiful
But that's not the intent
He said I vote six
But that's not what I meant
She said I wish it were different
Well so do I
He said congratulations
But I'd rather die
You see, that's me
My pain, my silence, my words
To me, congratulations only hurts
I am finally acknowledged here
My pain is displayed on canvas
A story of abuse, year after year
Isn't this what I wanted?
Years of closet-worthy paint
Finally recognized as more
This should be my gain
It should be an exciting open door
But it's not
Instead, I stare at this bottle in my hand
And it's filled with a vivid promise
Of no more hurt, only a dark plan
It's filled with endings, full of brief questioning
And I wish I had no obligation
I wish I could leave today
End the constant disintegration
Stop pretending that I'm okay
But I will wait it out, I will wait
I will watch my pain be auctioned off
I will watch a price be put on my words
And I wish it were true, I wish it was gone
But it's not and I'm not gone
So I will stay here, with perennial silence
Pondering this bottle of a vivid end